Me and Him: A Conversation with God

I’ve always had a hard time believing in God, particularly after Rob died. Even when I was cursing Him out, it just felt like I was talking to myself. So  I thought it was finally time for me and Him to have a little sit-down and settle our differences, man to creator of the universe.

***

Me: Hello? Hi? Anybody home?

Him: Who goes there?

Me: It’s Larry. Shouldn’t you have known that?

Him: Come back tomorrow!

Me: But I’m here now.

Him: Do not arouse the wrath of the great and powerful Oz! I said come back tomorrow!

Me: What are you talking about?

Him: Ha! I’m just playing with you, Lar. Relax. Take a load off. What can I do you for?

Me: Well, first of all, I’m not sure if I even believe in you. And second of all, if you do exist, let’s just say that I’ve never been one of your biggest fans.

Him: I totally—and when I say totally, I mean encompassing all knowledge of the universe past, present, and future—understand. What’s on your mind, my son?

Me: That’s what’s been on my mind—my son! And I’ve hated you ever since you took him from us!

Him: I get it, Lar. You loved Rob like nothing else. You were a great father and did everything you could’ve done for him.

Me: And then you took him away!

Him: I can see why you feel that way, again, because of the whole omniscient thing, but you already know why Rob is no longer with you. You said it yourself.

Me: I wish I knew what you were talking about.

Him: It’s in part II of your book. By the way, I love what you’re doing there. Although I was less than thrilled with that angry “vengeful motherfucker” crack. That one was no bueno, mi amigo. Otherwise, very powerful stuff. Will help a lot of people. You wrote, and I quote, “The soul knows when it’s time to go.” And that’s it. That’s all there is to it. The great and powerful Oz has spoken! Love that movie! I’ve seen it like a billion times!

Me: But why didn’t you let me help Rob?

Him: He didn’t want me to. He had made up his mind. He no longer wanted to be. It was just too difficult and painful for him.

Me: What about all the other children you’ve taken away too soon?

Him: There have always been a lot of people who are angry with me. They blame me for all kinds of stuff, but the truth is that none of it is my doing. Well, that’s not entirely true. I created all life on Earth, but then things began to, as the saying goes, take on a life of their own. I’m not the grand puppet master everybody makes me out to be. You people have free will.

Me: But what about the pain and suffering you’ve caused everyone reading my book? You’ve broken our hearts and made us all miserable beyond belief.

Him: Hmm . . . beyond belief. Interesting choice of phrase there, my son. All I can tell you is that’s just the way life works. It’s just a big bowl of randomness. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but stuff happens. Things change.

Me: Goddamn it!

Him: Jesus H. Christ! Haven’t you ever heard of the third commandment? Lemme make it easier for you. Just call me OMG.

Me: Now I know you don’t exist! You sound just like me!

Him: But secretly, when all is said and done, you’d like to believe that I do exist. You need to believe in Me because it makes you feel a tiny bit better about Rob. If you believe in Me, you can also believe that Rob is in a better place and that he’s no longer hurting, and that’s consoling and better than believing in nothing.

Me: I already know that Rob is at peace, and you had nothing to do with it!

Him: Dude, who do you think made those magic mushrooms?

Me: Touché. So as long as I’m in your divine presence, what can you tell people about grief that they don’t already know?

Him: Well, I don’t like to brag, but I am all knowing. That’s why they never let me on Jeopardy!

Me: Okay, so impart some of that famous wisdom and knowledge that we’ve heard so much about.

Him: Well, you’ve already done that for me! You’re my instrument! You’ve been nurturing others! You’ve been sharing your experiences! You’ve been helping those in need, my son!

Me: Stop calling me that! I’m not your son!

Him: “I am He as you are He as you are me and we are all together.” Love those lads! They still hold up, still my best work. Along with the Serenity Prayer and pizza.

Me: You’re a pretty funny guy for being God.

Him: Wanna hear a joke?

Me: Shoot.

Him: What’s the difference between Me and Bono?

Me: Tell me.

Him: Rob has never met Bono.

Me: Ha! That’s pretty good! I guess I can see how you’d get along with Rob.

Him: Are you kidding? I love that kid! He makes me laugh like no one else and has such a big heart.

Me: Okay, Mr. Mysterious Ways . . . are you me? Or are you just one of the voices in my head?

Him: What’s the difference? How does this convo make you feel?

Me: It makes me feel okay, I guess.

Him: Why?

Me: Maybe because it gives me hope. Maybe believing in You makes me feel less afraid of death. Maybe it takes away some of the horribleness of losing Rob. Maybe believing in You provides a little comfort.

Him: Maybe believing in yourself does too.

Me: Amen, brother. Last question: will I ever see Rob again?

Him: I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. Hahahaha! Peace out, dude! See ya soon!

Larry Carlat is the author of A Space in the Heart: A Survival Guide for Grieving Parents.